My Life in Rain Drops

It’s interesting really how much you can resist happiness just to have the habitual pang of misery in your life. Optimism all of a sudden doesn’t come easy, which is really disheartening because you want to be engulfed with happiness and optimism all the time.

It’s a tough tough road and some days, it’s brutal. Actually, it’s brutal most of the time. It’s hard when you know you are the only person who can make a change, but some how no matter how many changes you make it doesn’t please anyone. You know you are better, you have grown up learning that people are different. Every individual has a different perception of logic and different way of thinking about things. But then there are people so set in their ways they don’t realize there can be different logics, habits, ways of life that someone  else can have. Somehow, you let them tread over your ideas because it’s not practical enough. You read about people who have fun with what ridiculous things other people do, who can take it with a pinch of salt and doesn’t care much that they set about their ways the way they do. They still are friends with them. To them, that’s what’s special about that person. A ridiculous habit. But then, there are those who don’t find it funny because it’s not logical. Because it doesn’t make sense. Is it true? The practical hard heads versus the emotional fun lovers? Is it true that these are two separate worlds and no matter how much you think you are a realist but a mushy sensitive one all of a sudden it doesn’t exist? 

I don’t really know. But I know I am not good enough. I know I cannot be accepted for my idiosyncrasies. That I will not be accepted the way I am. And I won’t be allowed to make the decisions I want. Because they are not good enough. Because I cannot be allowed to make my own mistakes. Because this lemon is starting to get sour. Only those who have passed away and are dear to my heart know how bad I want to be better, the best at everything. I want to be good, so so good. I really do. Lord, if you exist, please help me. I give you two options. Make me better or take me in. I don’t live my life anymore.